I did finally decide what to wear going out with Tanya, Kate and Ian in Bristol as you can see from the picture below (thanks Ian). It was a good night.
Kate and I at Davina's
I was then super busy with work and my drab life, more on that later, only having a few mins to quickly check email etc. It's not all bad though as I've been away on holiday skiing, well snowboarding with an old friend (in drab) which turned out to be quite expensive with the pound being so weak. We were staying in a Chalet with other people so we had to be sociable, I noticed I easily played the male social role and enjoyed it too especially on the slopes. One thing that amazed me was how easy it is to identify gender through the thick layers of salopettes, jackets, hats and gloves, I'm still unsure whether it was the tailoring of the clothing or that men and women move subtly in different ways. Whilst away I thought about relationships but always return to the conclusion that:
- Them being freaked out by me having shaved legs, etc.
- I don't think it's fair to start seeing someone when I have it in the back of my mind that I'd prefer to be a woman and therefore not content with who I am.
I can't help but feel slightly angry at the society we live in and humans in general at the fear of what is different, it's probably a sound evolutionary reaction but surely we're past such primitive thought processes?
I think my main problem is that I don't know where I'm going, actually the real issue is that I know where I'd like to be but I don't know how I can get there. I like my family, friends, work etc and I don't want to loose them, I care how people think of me too.
We're 3 months in to 2009 and I don't feel like I've made any progress, I had a consultation about laser (blasting) my face but that fell through as their machine broke so I need to start again there. I've been too chicken to go to my GP to talk to them about it, the worst bit of all is that I'm going to look back and think why didn't I do something sooner.
Sorry for the mostly negative post but it's how I'm feeling at the moment, Why does life have to be so complicated?