I did finally decide what to wear going out with Tanya, Kate and Ian in Bristol as you can see from the picture below (thanks Ian). It was a good night.
Kate and I at Davina's
I was then super busy with work and my drab life, more on that later, only having a few mins to quickly check email etc. It's not all bad though as I've been away on holiday skiing, well snowboarding with an old friend (in drab) which turned out to be quite expensive with the pound being so weak. We were staying in a Chalet with other people so we had to be sociable, I noticed I easily played the male social role and enjoyed it too especially on the slopes. One thing that amazed me was how easy it is to identify gender through the thick layers of salopettes, jackets, hats and gloves, I'm still unsure whether it was the tailoring of the clothing or that men and women move subtly in different ways. Whilst away I thought about relationships but always return to the conclusion that:
- Them being freaked out by me having shaved legs, etc.
- I don't think it's fair to start seeing someone when I have it in the back of my mind that I'd prefer to be a woman and therefore not content with who I am.
I can't help but feel slightly angry at the society we live in and humans in general at the fear of what is different, it's probably a sound evolutionary reaction but surely we're past such primitive thought processes?
I think my main problem is that I don't know where I'm going, actually the real issue is that I know where I'd like to be but I don't know how I can get there. I like my family, friends, work etc and I don't want to loose them, I care how people think of me too.
We're 3 months in to 2009 and I don't feel like I've made any progress, I had a consultation about laser (blasting) my face but that fell through as their machine broke so I need to start again there. I've been too chicken to go to my GP to talk to them about it, the worst bit of all is that I'm going to look back and think why didn't I do something sooner.
Sorry for the mostly negative post but it's how I'm feeling at the moment, Why does life have to be so complicated?
Jenn x
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7 comments:
Very glad to find you here again, along with a new photo! Best of all is that smile!
I think life is always complicated when we're on the inside looking out, no matter where we are in it or what our circumstance. The proverbial grass is always greener, yet we're afraid to "go" for fear of what might be lurking along the way. Be it our own baggage or that of others, it's hard to know what to take and what to leave!
When so many barriers were shattered 40 years ago I thought surely that these others would have been gone by now as well! I dreamt, enlisted and did so many things to try and bring it into being and am hoping that though it's taken far too long that at least my grandchildren will get to grow up in it!
I don't think your legs should freak anyone out in this day and time, if they do then "they" need to grow up!
I've always fallen in love with people, not the packaging (though I have to admit admiring many of them) and don't think that someone who loves you for you is going to be put off by anything about you!
Please don't be sorry about writing, just write! If you don't want to put it here, my e-mail is always there for you!
Thank you again for the entry!
alan
What you said about family and friends and work is really true. I get where you are coming from. I hope you can get where you want to be.
The complications of life and relationships? Couldn't we have an easier question? :)
Life can be tough, but in pushing yourself - for whatever you want to do - it seems the harder it is (oo-er), the more reward there can be at the end.
To relationships? I can't comment. I thought my cross-dressing days were behind me when I started dating... how wrong was I :) It won't be easy, but at least going in honest may be better for the long haul.
Being TG needn't be the death-knell of a relationship. I won't lie to you and say all women will like it, but some will tolerate it, some will ignore it and a few will enjoy it with you.
My wife once said she'd rather be married to a tranny than be married to a sports fanatic. :)
Wow, thanks for the support, advice and kind words!
Alan, I hope your grandchildren don't have to deal with gender dysphoria but if they do I hope it's more acceptable.
Lynn, your wife is a wise lady. I will pose an easier question next time, how does The answer to life, the Universe, and Everything? sound?
Thanks again,
Jenn xx
The answer to life, the Universe, and Everything?
The book is better than the film :-D
Jenny, from reading your blog it seems you have a group of friends who support you. But if you are looking for more input, do you know about the Roses Forums? If you are looking for a wide group that includes many girls who have been through the same journey as you, have a look there. There are people there who meet up in your neck of the woods as well. You might know them already. Sorry of you do. URL:
http://rosesforum.tv/index.php
Sara
Dating and losing one's present life are both huge thoughts for me, too, but then so it the daily desire to be a woman. How can one date when you know there's going to come the time when you're going to have to tell them your story? I know I've stopped dating, and stopped looking for dates, because I know I'd be living a false life -- the life of a guy dating a woman, with the goal being...what? I don't want to be a guy in the first place. I saw an old photo of myself with a goatee, and it seemed so like a million years ago. I find myself wanting to enlarge my list of women friends, and doing things with them, like women friends would be. I so enjoy their company and feel so comfortable in that sector of society. The sad thing is that it has to be a "sector," like a roped off area where only certain kinds of stereotypes can live. In other words, I hear what you're saying, honey.
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